My tainted past

People will judge you no matter who you are. People will judge that includes your parents, your sisters, your brothers, your friends, your husband and even your children will judge you. It is somewhat inevitable. 

The sad reality is even your husband judges who you are, not who you became. Coming from someone like him, judging me as if I was the worst woman of my time. My past was complicated, full of shades of gray but I was happy about it. I may regret some of the things that happened but in the end, I was happy of my freedom. That freedom I am longing right now, the freedom I lost since I was married to him. And I regret losing that freedom.

Who was I? I was a lost girl then, I was lost in the big city. Grabbing the freedom I was given. I maybe have a lot of close male friends, but I was not a bitch like everyone thinks I am. I lost my mom, who was my strength and my courage. I fell in love, got hurt and tried my best to stand up again. But the damage was quite big, I needed a lot of time to be fixed and to be healed. I was an alcoholic then, I skip my classes because I was drinking or I am too hungover to even bothered to walk to school. I admit. My grade slips and I was doom to fail. Ateneo was not meant for me. I was not meant for the big city. I maybe flirty, or some say I was a bitch, I don't used to care because I know who I am. That what matters most. So I thought.

Who am I? I am a mother of two, married to some random guy I met at the big city. I worked to sustain   My family needs. I work hard so even my husband who doesn't have a job of his own, can eat and survive everyday. I am not a college graduate, but i pursue so i can provide to my children and to my college graduate husband. I was married, I didn't mind my male friends anymore, out of respect to my husband. But I never thought he was that insensitive, having an affair, taking drugs and everything, and judging me because of who i was before I met him. How someone who is like a leech judge my past and never judges himself at the present. 

I maybe like a bitch, like he says, but I have my own stories and nightmare. They don't really know my story nor they know who I am. They can judge my past the way they want it. I dont owe them any explanation anyway But they cannot judge me now, who I became. But I can judge you because the past doesn't really matter anymore but the present matter most. And you choose to hurt me.

So between you and me, I am the one who has the right to Judge you. I may have the past that you think is tainted, but atleast I don't have a tainted present. 

The 20 Things You Need To Stop Doing To Yourself

Something I read in my Facebook page. Credits to the original author, I just copied and paste it for personal use. 

1. Stop Running From Your Problems and Procrastinating.

Problems don’t go away on their own. You can either make them go away or live with them. If you know you can’t live with them, then don’t procrastinate because the weight of them on your mind only increases over time. If you have a problem, then accept that you have a problem and face it — deal with it. Life is a long list of problems that must be overcome. The faster and better you overcome them, the better and happier your life will be.

2. Stop Lying To Yourself.

People will lie to you left and right throughout your life; don’t add to the pile of lies. It is one thing for others to be lying to you and an entirely different issue if you’re lying to yourself. You are the only person that you can trust…but if you have a habit of lying to yourself, then you can’t even trust yourself. You have to be able to rely on yourself and on what you believe.

If you know something to be false, then stop convincing yourself that it is or could possibly be true. Improbable is one thing, but impossible is another. Feeding yourself lies or half-truths will lead to the forming of a reality that doesn’t actually exist past the confines of your psyche.

3. Stop Living In The Past.

Yesterday was yesterday — it’s gone and will never again be. Everyone carries emotional baggage with them. Some of us carry the weight of a depressing past while others live in those happy long-gone moments that we consider to have been the best of our lives. You can reminisce if you’d like as long as you don’t forget that your reality exists only in the present.

It can be a dangerous thing to dwell on the past. Nostalgia can overcome us and make us feel that the world we are living in today falls short of the happiness we experienced in the past. Other times we will punish ourselves for mistakes that we have done and dwell in the negativity and bad feelings that we had. Whatever the case, be wary of focusing on past events and do your best to live in the moment.

4. Stop Attempting To Buy Happiness.

I’ve tried; it doesn’t work. You can buy drinks, buy drugs, buy sex, buy trips, buy experiences, buy toys and clothes…none of it will make you happy — at least not past the day that you buy them. I always revert to Paulo Coelho on this matter: happiness must be something attainable by each and every person no matter what his or her circumstance. If the poorest of the poor can be happy, then happiness cannot lie in the material.

5. Stop Relying On Others.

People have their own lives filled with their own headaches, own problems, own mishaps and own successes. Friendship is great, but often doesn’t weather the storm. Be self-reliant. Be independent. We all find ourselves alone at several points throughout our lives. If you find yourself on your lonesome and don’t know how to deal with it because you are used to having constant support, then you will drown.

6. Stop Fearing Failure.

Failure is such a derogatory term… I don’t understand why. Failing is learning in the real world. There is only so much that you can read up about the way the world works, but true knowledge comes from experience. And no one gets it right the first time around. You failed. Great. Try it again. And again. And again. The more times you get it wrong, the more ways you know NOT to do it.

7. Stop Doing The Same Thing Over And Over, Expecting Different Results.

At the same time, don’t keep making the same mistakes and expecting different results. If you tried something one way and it didn’t work, then guess what will happen when you try again exactly in the same manner? Failure is only good if you learn from it. Otherwise it really is just failure.

8. Stop Rejecting Prospective Partners Because Of Your Past Sh*tty Relationships.

You fell in love and had your heart broken; we all have. Luckily for you, now that you have experienced the pain of a broken heart, you have fully experienced the love cycle and can grow as an individual. Relationships, like the rest of life, are learning experiences. Don’t generalize and make yourself believe that all relationships end in heartache because that doesn’t have to be the case. Ultimately, you and your partner decide whether or not the relationship will work. Check your baggage at the door.

9. Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself.

Life is tough for everyone. The richest of the rich have problems. The poorest of the poor have problems. We make problems for ourselves — they don’t exist outside of us. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start interacting with the world around you.

10. Stop Trying To Change Others.

People don’t want to be changed and most often can’t be changed. You must learn to accept people for who they are. The less you focus on all the things you find wrong about an individual, the more you can focus on how to deal with them and all their discrepancies. Don’t fix people; learn to deal with them and — I hate to say it — learn to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do; mind-f*ck them.

11. Stop Making Excuses.

I understand that the time isn’t right, the place isn’t right, and the stars have yet to align perfectly. The setting will never be perfect for anything. Perfect is not the alignment of outside forces; it’s making havoc the perfect opportunity. Stop making excuses and start making opportunities for yourself.

12. Stop Worrying.

Sh*t happens. Then it happens again. Then sh*t won’t happen for a day or two…and then it returns with a vengeance. The more responsibilities that you have the more you have to potentially worry about. The key is to not procrastinate and approach all problems logically. You only have so much time in a week to work on the things that need to be worked on. You can do so much with that time. As long as you do as much as you can do, there is nothing you should be worrying about. The only thing worth worrying about is your own laziness; everything else is out of your control. If you worry about things out of your control, then you are setting yourself up for a mental breakdown.

13. Stop Focusing On The Negative.

Negativity is overwhelming and contagious. It tints the way we look at the world and makes us believe that we are worse off than we actually are. Negativity and worry go hand in hand and can be the downfall of all that you have worked so hard for. Living in a world filled with your negative thoughts doesn’t leave any room for the positive. Focus on the negative and you will hate your life.

14. Stop Being Ungrateful.

Statistically speaking, if you are reading this then most people in the world have it worse off than you do. That may not be very comforting…but consider that most of these people are likely to be happier than you. Happiness does not lie in the material, but in the immaterial. Be grateful for what you do have — especially those that play important parts in your life. You could be worse off and may very well be worse off some time in the future. Enjoy whatever prosperity you have.

15. Stop Wasting Time.

You are only allotted a sliver of time to call your life. Use those minutes and hours to make the most of your life. Ever hear your elders complain about how fast time flies by? Listen. They’re speaking the truth.

16. Stop Overloading Your Schedule.

Doing more does not necessarily mean getting more done. It’s all about efficiency. Human beings require certain things in order to live tranquilly. Divvy up your time for all the things that you MUST do and then divvy the rest for the things that you WANT to do. Just make sure to be clear on what you need before you start going after what you want.

17. Stop Trying To Impress Others.

It’s not worth it. The only reason you should ever try to get on someone’s good side is if you need them for something — only in business. When it comes to more personal relationships you can’t do anything more than be yourself. If they don’t love you for who you are, then they will never truly love you.

18. Stop Wishing You Were Someone Else.

Make sure that you know who you are and do all you can to develop — not change. People don’t change, they develop and grow. You are a great individual because you are a human being. You have the potential to do anything you want. Figure out what it is that you want out of life and go after it. There is no need to change who you are to match some preexistent notion of who you should be. Of course, certain situations you may find yourself in will have certain rules of etiquette, which you will need to learn and adopt. However, who you know you are and who others perceive you to be does not have to be the same person.

19. Stop Overlooking The Simple Things In Life.

The simplest of things are the most beautiful of things. Take walks. Talk to strangers. Look up at the sky, the trees, the birds. Connect with nature and all that which comes at little to no price. We often do our best to reach for things that we believe will make us more in tune with reality — happier — only to find out that we were greatly mistaken. Life offers us simple beauties. Relish in them.

20. Stop Hating Yourself.

We are often too tough on ourselves. We hate ourselves for our failures and our inabilities — which makes no sense whatsoever. Failing is learning and inabilities can be turned into abilities with enough work and patience. Whatever you dislike about yourself can be changed… just be sure that it’s worth changing. My advice: learn to love yourself the way that you are. Changes are easier to make when you already have a good relationship with yourself.

September 18, 2013

Nakakalungkot aminin na Hindi ako gaanong masaya sa paglabas ng pangalawa kong anak. Hindi kasi katulad ng unang ako lang, ngayon, marami ang taong nakisawsaw sa panganganak ko. Yung Sayang Dapat sana ay naramdaman, napalitan ng kabuwistan.

September 16, five ng umaga, yun yung araw at oras na pumutok yung water bag ko. Ang sabi ko maaga pa para pumunta sa lying in ng doctor ko. Nag ayos muna ako ng Mga gamit at nag asikaso ng  panganay ko. Mga 8 ng umaga wala pa din akong naramdaman nA sakit, pero pumunta na din kami sa doctor para ipa check. 1 cm pa lang, pinababalik na lang kami paglumaki na ito. Na ubos ang buong araw na yun,, pero wala akong naramdaman na sakit, tinulog ko na lang yun, Dapat pala eh, bumalik kami dun sa doctor namin para natulugan ako. Sumunod na araw, sept. 17, ng alas otso ng umaga ng kami ay bumalik, kasama ng asawa ko at nanay Nya. 1 cm pa din, pero pina admit na ko dahil nauubos na ang tubing na ngpoproteksyon sa bata. Tinurukan ako ng gamot para pang pa Lambot ng matres, pero pagkalipas ng Ilang oras, wala pa rin pagbabago. Dalawa lang ang konklusyon ng doctor,  isa ay msyadong malaki ang bata kaya Hindi makalabas at ang pangalawa Mali ang orientasyon ng bata sa tiyan ko. Pagkatapos nun, linagyan ako ng IV, na my gamot para matulungan lumaki ang cervix ko. Laking tuwq namin na umipekto ang gamot, kumain na ako ng huling Kain ko ng 9 nung gabing yun. Ngunit pagkalipas ng Ilang oras wala pa din nagyayari. Maliban sa nagkalagnat ako. Nakatulog ako ng ilang oras at na gising sa sakit na nararamdaman. Ginising namin yung midwife, bukod sa Hindi na gumagalaw ang cervix ko, tumataas pa ang lagnat ko. At dun na diniklara na emergency cs na ako. 

Sept 18, 2:15 ng umaga, ang araw at oras na lumabas ang pangalawa kong anak. Dalawang araw ko din sya Hindi makita dahil kelangan ko pa magpagaling ng sugat.. Pangatlong araw, kaya ko ng gumalaw, pumunta ako sa NICU ng hospital para masilip ang anak ko. Masaya ako at sabik umuwi para mahawakan siya. Pero dahil sa mga taong nakikialam at pumapapel, Hindi ko man lamang Magarga ang anak ko kahit isang secundo.

Ayoko na I kwento dito ang Mga pangyayari, dahil na kwento ko na ito sa Ibang post. Nakakalungkot isiping Hindi ko man lamang naramdaman ang saya ng pagkakaroon ng anak na lalake. Dahil man sa Mga taong pilit na nakikialam o Dahil na rin siguro sa pagod ng operasyon na isinagawa sakin, kaya siguro halo halong emosyon din ang naramdaman ko.

Pero Masaya ako at nagpapasalamat sa Diyos na binigyan Nya ko ng pagkakataon maging nanay ng isang lalake at isang babae. Ang pamilyang pinangarap ko nuon pa man. 

Daja's first school day

As a first time mom, I was really excited for her when she entered nursery, my first born is getting older already. Goodbye to those days that I still cradle her, to those days that I can kiss her non stop and to those days when she only liked to be at my side.

I enrolled her to a summer class first, just to test if she is already willing to enter school and let her be familiar with school atmosphere. At first she still hesitate to go, prefer to sleep and play. But halfway through it, she's already enjoying it. And when good mood strikes, she let me hear her sing the nursery rhymes that she learned from summer school. As short as one month,  She already learned how to write some of the letters. That made me decide that she's already willing to learn and enjoy school.

June 10 2013, the first day of her school year. I was with her, as excited as her. Unlike the other kids who keep crying and having tantrums, my little daja just sit still and watched her classmates cry. And while everyone is still having a tantrum, she was there singing her heart out loud like her teacher.

I think letting her in summer school really helped a lot. She was already familiar with her teacher and with the school atmosphere before the school started. Her cousins were at the same school too, that made her like her school more. They go to school together and see each other at school. 

I was really overwhelm that I didn't had a hard time with her being in school, as of now, she is still enjoying her " eskwela" as she calls it.

Kisapmata

Yung moment na ang saya saya nyo pa lang tapos is ang iglap, ang lungkot na agad. Hindi mo akalaing s ganitong panahon, magyayari pa ang mgA bagay na ganitong.

Hulyo 30, unmusical kami ng bahay na si daddy lang ang nandun, blackout sa buong Albay nung mga Araw na yun. Wala yung kotse may pinuntahan si mommy. Nagusap myna kami ng daddy, nagbiruan pa kami bagon ako umuwi sa bahay namin. Pagkatapos magpahinga pumunta ako sa kabilang bahay. At dahil brownout my emergency light n naka standby sa gilid. Hindi ko alam Kung among pumas ok sautak ng pamangkin kong lalake at naisip an nyang pagtripan yung e light. Mandalas kasi pinapaiyak Nya yung anak kong 3 Taon kaya lagi silang nagaaway. Dumating naman galling sa lakad Nya ang mommy, samantalang hinahanap naman ng daddy yung e light, madilim sa buong bahay, maingAy pa dahil yung anak ko umiiyak at nakuha Nya Ito sa pamangkin ko na nasa Labas ng bahay. At dahil galit sya napagbuhatan nya ito ng kamay.

Dun nagsimula ang gulp, nagkasagutan silang mag asawa dahil gusto ni daddy palayasin ang pamangkin ko, Hindi naman talagang layas dun muna sa Lola ko titira para mature ng leksyon. Hindi naman kasi ito ang unang beses na pasaway ito, marami pang mas malalang situasyon, nagkayaob Lang siguro na na puno na ang daddy. Mainit din kasi ulo nya dahil Kung kelan brownout, tsaka pa unmusical ng gabi ang mommy at Kung kelan brownout, tsaka pa naisipan pumunta sa mall at bumili ng gamit na kailagan daw ng mg pamangkin ko.

Di naman pumayag si mommy na paalisin si tisoy hangang dumating sa puntong pati yung step sister ko dinamay Nya. Kung pa palayasin daw ang pamangkin ko, palayasin din daw and step sister ko, hangang nagkasagutan sila at nauwi sa pag layas ng daddy kasama ng step sister ko.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing mali ang mommy, sana Lang Hindi Niya dinamay yung step sister ko kasihindi naman talaga sya kasali sa usapan. Ibang topic yun, period. Kung yung usapan sana ay umikot Lang sa pagbuhat ng kamay at sa katigasan ng ulo ng pamangkin ko, di abbot sa puntong magkakaganito ang situasyon.

Ang nagpalala pa situasyon ay ang Mga kapatid ng mommy na Kung ano ano pa ang ginagatong at sinasabi na Hindi naman nakakatulong sa situasyon. Yung tipong naga abot na ang issue sa restraining order at pag freeze ng account sa banko. Simple Lang naman sana, naging complikado lang, dahil sa mga sulsol at maling interpretasyon ng mga taong Hindi naman Dapat nakikialam sa issue. Kaming Mga anak tuloy ay parang Natagalan ng karapatan para makialam sa problema, na Kung turuusin eh Dapat kami ang nagaayos into dahil pamilya namin ito.

Sa ngayon, kalmado na ang lahat, andun si daddy nakatira sa apartment ng Tito ko. Wala naman akong magagawa ngayon dahil pareho pa mainit ang Mga ulo nila.

Pero San dumating ang Ora's na magkabati bait na sila para masaya na ulit. Sana bago ako ma nganak ngayong darating na oktobre ay maging okay na ang lahat. Mas masaya pa din na magkakasama sama kami.

Splendid summer

Summer without splashing to the water is not summer at all. So me and my hubby planned to treat my niece and nephew to a little family escortion. We decided to swim in Buhi for a change, since they haven't been there and it's another opportunity to explore other places.

Buhi is almost two hours Away from home, it's my hubby's hometown. My mother in law already prepared the food for us and I already called the resort for a cottage reservation.

We arrived at my inlaws house at around two pm. We still prepare the things we need to bring and there was a lot of food prepared for us. 

Upon arriving to the resort, my nephew together with his friend, immediately jump to the pool. My daughter together with my sister-in-law swim in the kids pool. While my niece and her friend decided to eat first.

Alice our sibe was there too. She spent most of her time with my eldest sister-in-law. I spent the early hours in the cottage with my mother in law and my husband. I also swim for a few minutes, burnout too long. We intent to stay until the night but due to unavoidable circumstancese have to leave the resort earlier than we expected. So, when it was almost dark, we packed our stuff and went back to my inlaws. 

It was a really short get together but at least everyone had fun. And that's one of the highlights of my boring summer. :)

Alice my furkid

I never planned to purchase a new pet, I already had a Rottweiler named coco and she is enough for me. Actually, I don't even have enough time for her, let alone another pet.

But one of my customer had a sibe (Siberian husky if you don't know what I meAn) and inform my Husband that the girl one gave birth to its litter.

So my husband out of his excitement reserved the only girl. I never thought that he was serious, thinking that I am few weeks pregnant to our second child. But he was serious, and after two months, Alice came home with him.

Siberian husky is very hard after all. They need a lot of care and affection. They are very choosy in their diet and they don't want their food to be always the same. At first we keep her inside our house but later on,my daughter had a terrible asthma attack that made us decide. To keep her outside. It's okay at least our coco keep her company. We used to bring her to the store, but when my tummy got bigger it was not easy for me to carry her in the motorcycle. So keep her in the house with coco.

I still don't have much to tell, after all, Alice is still young, seven months by now. Due to my pregnancy I don't have time for my other kids. Though I hope I could spend more time with them. So I'm looking forward to have a little time with them, besides I'm already due in three months. :)

A gift

After our second big row as a married couple, we are given another blessing, a second baby. Yes, after a few days of tiff and rows I found myself pregnant to our second child. It's due on October and I'm six months pregnant by now.

It is a difficult pregnancy though compared to my first one. Unlike it, I already had a feeling that I am pregnant even before it turns one month. I suffered a lot of hyper acidity, constipation, I vomit non stop and my immune system drops down to zero, leaving me with runny nose, cough and flu. It was not a joke when i say I give up on it. I never experience any of it from the first one. But somehow,I gain strength and surpass it.

Now that it is six months already I don't experience those things anymore but I still don't enjoy some foods like chocolates, ice cream and spicy foods. It was a very complicated journey,now I know what they mean when they say pregnancy is hard.

I had my ultrasound already and I found out that this is a baby boy. I really feel so blessed and lucky that God still give me a baby boy. Now I have a perfect family, the one that I wanted. And I thank God for giving me another chance, another hope and another me to share in this world.

Grieve

I am in a state of rage and grieve and I don't know when will I get out from it. It could take weeks, months but I know days is not enough.  

I have issues with cheating, yes, I have been there in different ways and believe me when I say, it is not the nicest thing on earth.

My ego was hurt the nth time, it will be acceptable if it is from different random people, but unfortunately, it was the same man, the man who is known as my husband.

I personally admit that I have my own inflaws in our relationship, but no matter how big those negligence are, infidelity was not part of it. It never occurred to me to hurt him that way, no matter how I can easily do it and no matter how I despise him, I restrain myself because there is this thing called respect.

But unfortunately, my partner doesn't know what respect means, nor understand what loyalty means and I doubt that he knows what love means. The fact that I'm married to such man hurts big time, I should have known it. But everything happened in a blur, like magic taking its place.

I don't know what god plan is, I'm not willing to defy it anyway. But putting me in this position I demand for an explanation. A simple explanation that will ease the pain, the marks and the scars. A simple explanation that will give me strength to stand up and fight.

Sometimes, scanning the past scars makes me think of every childish thing I have done and consider which of those deserves this kind of punishment.

I have been kind, carefree, I share what I have to those close to me, refrain to hurt others and built my personal charity. I extend my hand to those who needs help, selfishly, I lived with love.

On the other hand,I played love a lot of times, I done cruel act and hurt a lot of people. I cheated life, cheated friendship and accidentally lost the love for my husband.

I'm not a perfect wife nor a perfect mother. I'm not a perfect friend nor a perfect daughter, I'm wounded and lost within me.

But believe me when I say I'm better than half of every human my age but I experience grieve more than the worse had, and I wonder why. I don't know how long I can take this, but one thing I know, I cannot tolerate this anymore, no matter how strong I am, I give up on this.

So whatever the reason o this grieve ness, I would like to know. Somehow, somewhat I'm still hoping for a big change. To fall in love to him again, to have a happy family. And I will always wonder why do bad things happen to good people.

Jan2013

Finally

I'm back! How I miss this! I miss blogging so much. I'll post my stuff soon :)

my step sister turns 18

shane, my half sister turns 18, to make her day a little bit especial, i bought her a cake. A simple gift that made her day a little bit special.

We didn't have a feast for her, but like all we did, she treats her friends out.
The real plan was to treat her friends in a restuarant name eat all you can, so we can pop up and suprise her with the cake. But when the driver came back, he told us that shane and her friends went to the mall and not to the restaurant that we planned. So we hurried ourselves to reach her just right in time. But when we are on our way she texted my dad that she and her friends are in the waterfront mall, not thw same mall where the driver drop them.

When we are in the waterfront mall, i called her just to make sure she's there. And we pop up to the restuarant where thay dine in.

she was suprise when she saw us, she never expected us to be there. so, we sing her a happy birthday and blew her candle.

A little act of kindness that made her day special.

2012

I believe that my 2012 is a very meaningful one. I done things I never done before and went to places I never been. I learned a lot of this through books and experiences and I learn life as a thing.

I sum it up so that i will never forget how wonderful that year turns out.

(1) I celebrated my 25th birthday at home
(2) I cooked my first pasta and they named it 'carbonara ala tita babes'
(3) We went to Caramoan Island with my family
(4) Went an escortion with my hubby's family at Balerite Resort
(5) Reach kawawa in Ligao city
(6) Met some of my hubby's relatives
(7) started selling load for prepaid sim cards
(8) tried an effective slimming pills and started selling those pills
(9) learned that I have a step sister and now she's living with us
(10) Finally got my drivin license
(11) Drove a red SUV and enrolled myself to driving school
(12) eat my first Krispy Kremes
(13) Had a tattoo
(14) started earning few pesos on my own
(15) Cooked for my in-laws (its only a roasted chicken, I'm not a real cook)
(16) Start blogging again
(17) Been to Singapore with my mom and sister
(18) rode an elephant
(19) I spread love by giving cake to special people around me.
(20) Had my first real fight as a wife.

Now that 2012 is over, I bid you goodbye, Thank you for coming by. I hope you are a start of good years ahead and please tell 2013 to be nice to me and everyone else