Grieve

I am in a state of rage and grieve and I don't know when will I get out from it. It could take weeks, months but I know days is not enough.  

I have issues with cheating, yes, I have been there in different ways and believe me when I say, it is not the nicest thing on earth.

My ego was hurt the nth time, it will be acceptable if it is from different random people, but unfortunately, it was the same man, the man who is known as my husband.

I personally admit that I have my own inflaws in our relationship, but no matter how big those negligence are, infidelity was not part of it. It never occurred to me to hurt him that way, no matter how I can easily do it and no matter how I despise him, I restrain myself because there is this thing called respect.

But unfortunately, my partner doesn't know what respect means, nor understand what loyalty means and I doubt that he knows what love means. The fact that I'm married to such man hurts big time, I should have known it. But everything happened in a blur, like magic taking its place.

I don't know what god plan is, I'm not willing to defy it anyway. But putting me in this position I demand for an explanation. A simple explanation that will ease the pain, the marks and the scars. A simple explanation that will give me strength to stand up and fight.

Sometimes, scanning the past scars makes me think of every childish thing I have done and consider which of those deserves this kind of punishment.

I have been kind, carefree, I share what I have to those close to me, refrain to hurt others and built my personal charity. I extend my hand to those who needs help, selfishly, I lived with love.

On the other hand,I played love a lot of times, I done cruel act and hurt a lot of people. I cheated life, cheated friendship and accidentally lost the love for my husband.

I'm not a perfect wife nor a perfect mother. I'm not a perfect friend nor a perfect daughter, I'm wounded and lost within me.

But believe me when I say I'm better than half of every human my age but I experience grieve more than the worse had, and I wonder why. I don't know how long I can take this, but one thing I know, I cannot tolerate this anymore, no matter how strong I am, I give up on this.

So whatever the reason o this grieve ness, I would like to know. Somehow, somewhat I'm still hoping for a big change. To fall in love to him again, to have a happy family. And I will always wonder why do bad things happen to good people.

Jan2013