I was about to start to share my venture in the baking world, when unexpected thing happened. How could I write about something so happy when I completely feels the other way around?
So maybe I would just share some of my thoughts today, maybe it will ease the pain I feel.
Let me start this blog with a question, How would you feel if your own husband makes you feel so worthless? would you cry? laugh at it? or simply ignore it?
Well, I cried and hated him and cried and fought and cried and now I simply feel calm. Then I realize, somethings are just inevitable. People no matter who they are will hurt you, no matter how you love them or hated them they will hurt you the same way.
It's started the way it is, he started texting the same girl who almost ruined our marriage two years ago. That same girl who makes me feel pain, the pain deep inside your heart. I talked to both of them, that it is insulting that they are texting each other, giving each other loads and calling each other. I explain my side, but they didn't stop.
Then it sinks in me, the girl was so important to him that he doesn't even care if it is hurting me, her wife, the one he should be defending. He loves her, more than he loves me. the truth that i have to hold inside me. The fact that makes me question everything. after all the sacrifices and pain, it was not worth it after all.
How could I ease the pain of truth? I really don't know myself. I wanted to heal so fast that pretending that everything is fine is the least i could do. But crying every night never ease the pain you feel deep inside your heart. The pain that nobody knows how to stop. If only one tablet of ibuprofen will make the pain go away. if only drinking coffee can makes me better.
I cried myself to sleep for the past nights, hoping that when i wake up, the pain will be gone. but it will just go numb, and when the night comes, tears will flow, expressing the pain that the heart cannot longer hold.
He was one of those people that will never change. another fact that i have to go through. Lying, cheating are some of the things he do the best. I cannot change him, i am not meant for him after all.
